Now that the shock has worn off...

I think my head has stopped spinning from our whirlwind trip to CA. Now I can spend some time filling everyone in on this HUGE new journey we are (have been) taking. Crazy, right? I couldn't agree with you more.

You know God has a way of surprising us, and this was one of those times. Let me start by saying that I have been praying about our next adoption since about December, wondering why God had put the desire to adopt again, on my heart. Kevin literally told me I was crazy when I told him of this desire. I'm pretty sure the comment was something like "We can't handle the two we have. Why would we want to add one more?" Truthfully, I couldn't answer that question and I agreed with him. But, I couldn't get the desire out of my heart.

In the world of China special needs adoption there are MANY blogs, yahoo groups and forums that advocate for the children who are waiting. Some have been waiting a long time, some have serious needs, all of them are children who need to know the love of a mom and dad. So that's where my search began.

I joined groups, started talking to people who knew more about these kids than I did and asked God what was I supposed to do about this. I knew that there was no way that Kevin was going to agree to it, and that he would never sign any paper that said we were even considering, so I did this all on my own. Occasionally I would find a sweet face (well, I found lots of sweet faces!) and show him a picture hoping to get a response. I would rarely get anything but an eye roll or a glare, he is a man of few words. :)

Fast forward to March. I had looked and looked and then I came across a sweet girl who had a serious heart condition. I was actually just reading about her and Kevin saw her over my shoulder and said "Who is that?" I told him the name she was given by the agency representing her and then told him she was 6 with a heart condition. It was then that he said "What do you think about adopting an older child?" Hm, honestly I had NEVER even considered it. Not that I was opposed to it, but it had never crossed my mind. I learned a little more about this sweet girl and found out that her heart condition was VERY serious, something I didn't feel like we were ready for. But she would never leave our hearts. She was the reason we began looking at and praying over older children. We found out later that she had another family wanting to adopt her. Door closed.

Later that month another little girl caught my attention. She was strikingly beautiful and I really wanted to learn more about her. Kevin had given me permission to get more info, so I did. He still was "ready" yet, but the fact that he was willing to learn more was great. I couldn't stop looking at her, but Kevin couldn't say yes. A few weeks went by and after some deep conversations about what God had laid on my heart we agreed to have a Dr review her file and figure out what our response would be. I called the agency representing her and was told that another family had decided to adopt her. Door closed.

I was heart broken. I thought she might be "the one." How could God let her slip away. Since my goal is to be honest on this blog, I will tell you that I actually prayed that the other family would change their mind so she could be ours. Kind of embarrassed by that, but just being honest.

So I kept looking. All of a sudden the sweet girl with the heart condition appeared on someone's blog. Apparently that family who was going to proceed could no longer do so. Kevin and I wondered what we should do, we knew we didn't have much time, as her condition was serious. On one of the forums I was a member of this little girl had been prayed over and talked about for months, and another family came forward and made it very clear that they were going to adopt her, and nothing was going to stand in their way. Door closed.

God had a way of closing doors that He didn't want us to go through. Since December I had been praying that Kevin and I would be on the same page and that He would make it clear what we were supposed to do. With each child that we looked I asked for clarity, and each time He provided. What an awesome God we serve!

On April 19 I saw a picture of our sweet Lyla! She was listed with an agency called CCAI. I read a brief description of her and sent this picture, which was along with her profile, to Kevin to ask if he minded if I asked for her file. I think my comment in the email to him was, "She looks crazy enough to be in our family."

That started our week of prayer over our decision to adopt her. I told you I was going to be honest, so I will say I didn't have the "moment" when I saw her like I did with Xander. I didn't "just know" and that made me nervous. We committed to pray over the weekend, which happened to be Easter weekend. I prayed, rather begged, God for clarity! I need to know, I wanted there to be no doubt, I wanted Kevin to feel the same way. That's all I knew, it was comfortable. Well, as we know, God does not promise things will be easy, and sometimes, many times, we move on faith. This was one of those times. In all the situations before God had closed a door that He didn't want us to walk through, and there was no closed door. Was that my confirmation, it hardly seemed like clarity, but it was all I had.

I heard a few things from God while I prayed. I heard Him say trust only me. It was the emphasis on the "only" that got me. I had spent a lot of my time researching, questioning others and myself, so this was a big lesson for me. I kept feeling like God was telling us to keep going until He closed the door. But how could I be excited if I was waiting for this door to be closed? Then, after our week of prayer, Kevin and I finally talked about all God had been telling us. I don't remember exactly what Kevin said, but it was something like "I knew she was ours when I read her file." My first reaction was pure JOY! We had found her! Then I thought to myself, "WHAT!? YOU COULD HAVE SAVED ME A WEEK OF STRESS IF YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT!!!!" But nope, this week I spent praying and pleading with God was so I could learn something. Thank you, Lord.

The week that followed brought the confirmation that I was looking for. We were able to use our current social worker, when we thought we weren't going to be able to, which will save us time and money! Kevin was blessed with a raise, actually two! We got a VERY positive update on Lyla! All of these things came to us within a few days of each other and with tears running down my face and hands raised I thanked God for the clarity I had been asking for.